Summer vacation slipped by without my noticing.
Xu Ni and I stopped meeting.
When school started, in perfect unspoken agreement, she took my seat and I took hers.
Just like before, no exchanges, always walking around each other.
Only Zhou Wei was nervous.
He asked me what I’d do if my grades slipped behind.
I smirked.
Who says Xu Ni has to be first in class? Does Xu Ni even want to be top?
She didn’t.
Xu Ni didn’t even know what she wanted anymore.
She grew more and more confused daydreaming in class, napping with her head on the desk during breaks.
I bought a book and tossed it at her.
Figure out what you want to learn, which school to go to.
She called after me:
What do you want?
Without thinking:
To make money. Lots of money.
I even started urging Shen Fang to demand money from Xu Guoyong.
Shen Fang is complicated.
Only after becoming Xu Ni did I learn Xu Guoyong only gave 2,000 yuan monthly for the household.
Shen Fang budgeted every penny and told Xu Guoyong no money was spent on herself.
She was proud of that.
Her only excuse to ask Xu Guoyong for money boldly was: This money’s for the kids, not me.
Stubborn, rigid, self-inflicted misery.
Is she truly a pitiful person?
Yes. But that was her own battle what did it have to do with Xu Si or Xu Ni?
Shen Fang visibly aged before my eyes; insecurity took root deep within her.
Every time she showed resistance, I crushed her swiftly and mercilessly.
How do you crush someone? Just refuse to play by their rules and ignore their feelings that’s all it takes. Like when I demanded money from Xu Guoyong no need for reasons, no need for excuses. Whether he gave willingly or not didn’t matter. If he refused, I would cause a scene.
Better to lose money than suffer disaster.
For half a year, the whole house was in chaos, but not a single person mentioned or asked about Xu Si.
Just like when she was ten years old.
She deliberately failed tests and no one cared. Xu Ni got new shoes; she didn’t. The balcony light was so dim, no one switched it out for her. They forgot to give her daily allowance; she went hungry all day.
Hiding in the hallway staircase, she wondered: If I disappear, would Mom and Dad freak out?
Would they go mad searching for me? Would they finally hold me tight and admit they were wrong, that they shouldn’t have treated me like this?
Xu Si hoped desperately from dusk till dark.
Step by step, people disappeared, the sky darkened. No hurried footsteps, no cries, no shouts.
Terrified, she locked herself in darkness and endured.
Finally, she reached her limit and ran back home in tears. Shen Fang sneered at her,
You still have the nerve to run away? Don’t bother coming back if you’ve got the guts. Count on me to look for you? Not a chance.
Xu Guoyong sighed helplessly, gently stroking Xu Si’s hair with warmth in his voice:
Don’t do this again; Dad would worry. Be good.
At that moment, Xu Si shivered with cold dread.
Zhou Wei asked me,
Can they really not tell you and Xu Ni apart?
No, they just don’t care.
They don’t care who is Xu Ni or Xu Si. They only want the best child.
And now, under my torment, they don’t even have the energy to care whether Xu Ni excels or not.
When Shen Fang asked why my grades slipped, I bluntly told her,
Because of you. You can’t provide a good environment; I’m exhausted.
Parents are supposed to be their kids’ first teachers, but you can’t even manage your own emotions or health. How am I supposed to improve?
If I had just a better mom, I’d be better than I am now.
Mom, you don’t earn money and can’t manage the household. What’s your purpose?
Shen Fang was constantly on the verge of collapse. Sometimes she looked at me with suspicion.
But whenever I started to play piano, she’d quickly dismiss her doubts.
Maybe Xu Ni isn’t perfect, but Xu Si is the real screw-up. She definitely can’t play piano. Shen Fang can’t even tell that I repeat the same piece every time. She doesn’t know that, useless as I might be, I’ve always ranked in the top ten of the grade.
The only thing that worried me was when Shen Fang took me to see a psychologist.
They said I was disobedient, falling grades, rebellious. Diagnosed me with moderate depression and anxiety.
I was skeptical, thinking it was quackery. But later, I made my peace with it. If Xu Ni is sick, then who says Xu Si is normal?
I enjoyed my days torturing Shen Fang. How could I forget Xu Guoyong?
Once at his factory, I snapped several pictures of the sewage outlets and even a shady affair between him and his married accountant.
Important photos must reach the right people. Work-related info went to his competitors. Emotional evidence was sent to the husband of that accountant.
Zhou Wei helped deliver the photos. His gaze was complicated some things he’d never understand. Empathy was impossible.
Soon, Xu Guoyong descended into panic. Anger unleashed like a bloodstorm he nearly bled from the neck when the accountant’s husband held a knife at him. He didn’t dare pursue it, worried about losing face.
Departments came in for audits. Deadlines imposed for improvements. But Xu Guoyong ignored warnings, bribed his way through.
Three months later, the factory was shut down.
Cornered, Xu Guoyong slunk home, defeated.
The real battle between him and Shen Fang began.
Less than a week, Shen Fang could no longer stand him. Late nights out playing cards or drinking, lounging watching TV, no housework, dirty clothes everywhere, all while nitpicking her.
They had the fiercest quarrel ever.
Shen Fang was the first to tell Xu Guoyong to get lost. I watched happily well, almost. The noise was too much, so I hummed a tune and went back to my room.
Xu Ni had picked her major biology in Anhui. I followed the path from my past life and chose my alma mater.
Zhou Wei grew increasingly silent. Quietly watching me, quietly following behind.
What exactly do you want?
Xu Si, do you like me?
Does it matter?
Doesn’t matter?
I took a deep breath.
Zhou Wei, if you went back just to find out whom I like and whom you like, you’re pretty pathetic.
Time raced forward, carrying us along as we ran fast.
Shen Fang and Xu Guoyong fought about divorce.
Shen Fang sought comfort from me countless times but was always met with my indifferent blocks. She cried in despair; I watched silently like a mad woman throwing a tantrum.
Gradually, Shen Fang began to fear me.
I grew stronger while she aged day by day how could she not be scared?
But she could rest easy I would treat her the same way she treated me.
Finally, the college entrance exam arrived as scheduled. Xu Ni packed her bags, bought her ticket for that night. She desperately wanted to leave for a new place.
I watched her coolly and softly said,
Xu Si must live well somewhere in this world until her natural end.
Xu Ni hung her head awkwardly. She stepped forward and hugged me.
Xu Si, I hate you the most.
But what can I do? I love you the most too.
That night, Zhou Wei stopped me. He grinned lazily, teasing,
Want to stir up your parents? I’ll help you free of charge.
I rolled my eyes.
Idiot.
Turning away, Zhou Wei’s voice softened:
Xu Si, we shouldn’t have gotten to this point. All these years, I’ve wondered if I really like you I don’t know. But I do know I don’t want to leave you. That day, you said being with me was just a competition, a way to one-up Xu Ni not real love. That hurt. So I said things I shouldn’t have.
Xu Si, I like you.
I lifted my eyes slightly, heart churning with mixed feelings not exactly sadness, but tightness.
He meant the day I found Xu Ni’s portrait. He called it youthful confusion and told me not to act irrationally. Said Xu Ni was gone, and I should let it go.
But how can I bear years of love that was just a lie?
So I sneered,
Looks like we make a perfect pair you used me as a stand-in for Xu Ni, and I used you as a tool to beat her. Perfect. Nobody owes anybody anything.
Zhou Wei’s eyes widened.
What did you say?
I said I never liked you. I just wanted to beat Xu Ni once.
At that moment, fierce storms raged in Zhou Wei’s eyes.
Ha, that saves me from feeling guilty. Xu Si, you really aren’t a patch on Xu Ni. I regret treating you like a stand-in.
Those harsh words echoed, but now everything has changed.
In the end, I said nothing more and stepped quietly into the shadows.
Epilogue: Xu Ni
Xu Ni jerked awake, clutching her chest and gasping for air.
It was already the eighth year since she left, but she still couldn’t sleep well.
She tried hard to live. Making friends, seeing the world, conducting experiments and research.
Everything seemed to improve, but only Xu Ni knew that in some deep, silent nights, she still wanted to climb onto the windowsill and jump.
But she couldn’t.
She was Xu Si now.
Xu Si had to live her full span.
Xu Ni had always hated Xu Si.
She was like an indomitable cockroach no matter how Shen Fang treated her, she’d be sad only for one night, then wake up with bright eyes.
How could she be so carefree and free? How could she just do whatever she wanted and go wherever she pleased?
But Xu Ni couldn’t. Filled with endless training classes and homework, she had to be Shen Fang’s best kid.
Xu Si had healthy legs. She could run anywhere in this world.
But Xu Ni’s wings were clipped, her limbs broken she couldn’t go anywhere.
This made Xu Ni despair time and time again.
How she wished Xu Si could see her and save her.
Xu Ni never thought that love could destroy someone.
Maybe, after all, she was just not as strong or capable as Xu Si.
Xu Ni thought: that’s it. This life, it’s over for me.
But Xu Si gave her a choice.
A choice to become Xu Si.
Xu Ni admitted it she was tempted.
It was the eighth year since she became Xu Si.
One day, a friend sent her a photo with shock:
Look, doesn’t this look like you? I’m stunned. Are you sure you don’t have a twin sister?
Xu Ni stared, zooming in again and again.
It was a cool, aloof girl wearing professional attire and gold-rimmed glasses, radiating an unapproachable aura.
That was Xu Si.
The real Xu Si.
Xu Ni had inquired about Xu Si many times. She knew Xu Si got into her dream university.
But that wasn’t what Shen Fang wanted.
How would Shen Fang treat Xu Si?
Xu Ni tossed and turned, bought a ticket to rush back, hiding for half a month until Xu Si told her to leave.
You’re not the one who should worry. She’s not worth my time. You’re just a useless puppet in her hands.
Xu Ni thought yes, she was pretty useless.
Why did problems that almost drove Xu Ni to the edge have no effect on Xu Si?
Xu Ni always knew Xu Si was talented. She had to struggle fiercely to keep the top rank, while Xu Si breezed into the top ten effortlessly. Sheet music that Xu Ni rehearsed over and over, Xu Si just glanced at once and memorized.
Xu Ni was terrified.
If someone had to be the useless one in that family, she hoped it’d be Xu Si.
But it turned out the useless one all along was her.
Maybe that’s okay.
Xu Ni suddenly missed Xu Si terribly.
She took out her phone and dialed that familiar number.
The call answered quickly:
Who is it?
Xu Ni gripped the phone tightly until her whole hand trembled.
She couldn’t say a word, only breathing faster and faster.
After a long pause, Xu Si spoke.
I’m busy.
If you’re not afraid anymore, come back.
Suddenly tears streamed down Xu Ni’s face.
She softly said "Hmm," voice bright and hopeful.
She decided she was coming home.
END
Chapter 07
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